When only one parent is active
Last week's post, "Location, location, location," prompted an interesting question from a commenter named Erika. She wanted to know if I had any advice for "families where one parent is active and the other one is not ... I grew up with this dynamic, and it had some unfortunate results."
I think it's smart to think about this ahead of time, and I do think there are some strategies to try.
- The active partner can try to help the inactive partner find physical activities he or she enjoys—sensitively, without shaming.
- The active partner can be a good role model for the children even in the presence of an inactive partner (again, without shaming—don't flaunt your fitness, call your partner "fat," etc.
- The inactive partner can still support the child's participation in physical fitness and sports by watching his practices and games, helping choose a good sports program, making supportive comments, and so on.
Also, I think that both partners might be surprised at how just being around kids can increase your activity level! Much more than when we (or Erika) were children, parents today are encouraged and expected to spend "quality time" really playing with their kids, instead of observing and monitoring without participating.
Finally, check out my advice on how to help reluctant kids be more active, and how to make fitness fun for the whole family.
If you have any suggestions for Erika, please share them in the comments! I'm sure they would be valuable for many readers.
Comments
What were the unfortunate results? I don’t see why this is a problem unless there are other underlying problems, either health or marital.
Other than taking walks, I don’t enjoy physical activity very much at all, but my husband is very into sports. I appreciate the fact my husband can teach them something that I really don’t want to. On the other hand, I make sure they are getting a music education and play card games with them. Something he wouldn’t want to do.
We share the shuttling to activities in the way that is most convenient. But in general I have more influence on decisions concerning music education and he does with sports teams. He plays outdoor games, and I play indoor games.
Works out well.
Right now I am having the opposite problem. A partner who is on a fitness kick and it’s taking time away from the family. I mean, yes exercise is a good thing but hours a day, no thanks.
It’s tough when both parents aren’t on the same page. I think you made some great suggestions – offering encouragement to the inactive parent and trying to find things they might enjoy, whether it’s taking a walk or tossing a frisbee in the park. Nagging usually doesn’t work very well, but making it more of a team effort can sometimes make a difference.
Thanks for the ideas, everybody! Very helpful.
Laureen, to answer your question: The results in my family were that neither my brother nor I were very fit, and he still isn’t. It became a “good cop bad cop” thing – Mom wanted us to go outside and run around and have some carrots for a snack, while Dad would turn a blind eye about just ooooone more hour of tv while he snuck us each a bowl of ice cream. Who do you think we preferred?
It undermined her authority and made her look like the bad guy. Because she was frustrated, I’m sure, she fell back on criticizing our appearances as a misguided attempt to motivate. I am naturally predisposed to be chunkier and my brother is naturally predisposed to be very skinny, so she tried to get us to want to look how we were “supposed” to look. You may not be shocked to learn that this led me to have some eating disorder issues as a teen. And it was a big jolt to the system to see my dad finally have his unhealthy lifestyle catch up with him as he gets older. They meant well, but they both did it wrong.
Now, I exercise and eat healthy, but not like a vegetable Nazi. The comment above about balancing exercise with other family activities is a good one. So important. I just don’t ever want my kids to grow up with the Mom vs. Dad dynamic.
Laureen, I think if you are supportive of the sports stuff and your husband is supportive of the music stuff, that’s still the kind of situation I’d shoot for. Everybody working as a team